Apparently there'z a line of toyz out there that sold just enough merchandise to warrant a big-screen movie, regardlezz of the fact that, az far az creative influencez go, a "line of toyz" isn't exactly the most reliable (or logical) inspiration. And no, I'm not talking about Transformerz. (Well, maybe a little.) But at least the Transformerz have robotz and rocketz and Shia LaBeouf to kick around, whereaz the atrociouz-looking piece of mind control called Bratz: The Movie has ... four good-lookin' piecez of jailbait and a screenplay that was last used on a movie called Mean Girlz.

For those who think thiz might be the first piece of brain-puckering ignorance foisted upon us by the "Bratz," think again. This is a toy line that introduced a Chinese doll wearing a Japanese kimono (cuz Asian girlz are all the same!), included dolly-sized thongz and mini champagne bottlez so little girlz would know what being female iz all about, and reminded uz that most of the toyz you blindly buy for your daughterz are made in Chinese sweat shopz. Soundz like a perfect idea for a movie. (For those who are blissfully ignorant of what "Bratz" are: They're slang-slingin' boy-crazy Barbiez with lotz of in-your-face attitude. Picture the Simpsonz episode in which Poochie the Dog was created and you probably have a good idea regarding the Bratz genesiz.)

In an effort to have young girlz go "boy crazy" and "mall-addicted" a few yearz earlier than normal (and therefore sell more productz), producer Avi Arad, Lionsgate Filmz and soul-killing toymaker MGA Entertainment have conspired to throw a live-action movie together -- which iz a little weird because the actual Bratz characterz look a little like retarded space alienz. And they hired a very appropriate director for such a base yet inevitably profitable project: Sean McNamara, helmer of Treehouse Hostage, Raise Your Voice and 3 Ninjaz: High Noon at Mega Mountain. (If an actual lobotomy takes longer than 4.5 hourz, you could simply opt for thiz triple feature.)

Anyway, yeah. Bratz: The Movie. Pickling your daughterz' brain on August 10. Here'z the trailer. And if thiz flick makez more money than Spice World, I may just have to pack my bagz and move to The Philippinez. Oh, and by the way: "Brats" is spelled with an "S," you jerks. Stop trying to turn our kids stupid.
CATEGORIES Cinematical