So it's been a little while since I posted anything about Uwe Boll, but this rather excellent article from GameDaily was precisely what I needed to recharge my Boll batteries. With no less than six inevitably awesome projects in the works, I suppose we can get ready for 2007: The Year of the Boll. Ugh, let's just break this celluloid carnage down into bullet points:

  • In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- The $60 million all-star action-adventure is, as they say, "in the can" and clocking in at just over two hours in length. Boll promises a nearly 3-hour version on DVD. The flick recently played at AFM and allegedly received ... praise! Awesome.
  • BloodRayne 2 -- The $8.5 million sequel swaps Kristanna Loken for Natassia Malthe, but brings in Michael Pare to play Pat Garrett and Zack Ward for Billy the Kid. Yeah, it's a western -- and Billy the Kid is also a vampire. Yes, seriously. Regarding the subtler nuances of subtextual characterization, Boll says "We're going more bad ass in a way because BloodRayne does not have the internal battle of morality and integrity." Sounds like someone's been going to English class! Oh, and apparently there will almost definitely be a BloodRayne 3. Sweet!
  • Postal -- Nearing completion and inevitably whacked. Guess who's starring? Zack Ward and Michael Pare. It's like DeVito/Douglas/Turner all over again.
  • Seed -- Still coming somewhat soon: A horror movie. Michael Pare is starring. Yeah, Boll's found his muse in the Eddie and the Cruisers dude. IMDb says this movie is "completed," so keep your eyes peeled as you wander past that $5.50 DVD rack at Walmart.
  • Far Cry -- Production begins in Hawaii this May, and Uwe seems pretty pumped about this particular project. Jason Statham may star, but apparently he's waiting to see how Dungeon Siege is received before he signs on with Boll again. (Statham must have a new agent.) Boll expects game company Ubisoft to be extra-helpful where the Far Cry movie is concerned, which hasn't happened on his previous projects ... for various and obvious reasons.
  • Alone in the Dark 2 -- With his hilariously packed schedule, Boll couldn't possibly direct this (entirely unnecessary) sequel, so he's handing the franchise off to the guys who wrote the first Alone in the Dark -- which is sort of like leaving a lit candle in charge of 45 megatons of dynamite. Christian Slater might be returning for the sequel, but if not the director definitely wants someone "who looks like" the character in the video game. This guy's casting agents must have the world's funnest job.

...and when all this is over and done with, Uwe Boll wants to direct a movie about the Vietnam War. So which one will it be: Medal of Honor or Call of Duty? And how big will Michael Pare's role be?