CATEGORIES Action, Classics, Comedy, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Thrillers, Mystery & Suspense, Cinematical Seven, Comic/Superhero/Geek, Lists, CinematicalSo, since it's Christmas, and 'tis the season and all that, I'm going to list here the seven movie weapons I wouldn't mind having. Before you recoil in horror from your computer and decide that I'm a loon, hear me out. When I was a kid, we always wanted the hottest movie toy around, and that doesn't seem to have changed at all today. A walk down a toy aisle in any store these days will show you items like Jack Sparrow's Cutlass or a self-inflating Superman suit that lets any kid become a Child of Steel. you see, a really good movie weapon makes you want it. When you see a bad guy or a good guy wielding a plain old gun or a knife on screen, you're like, "Eh, big deal." However, if it's a knife that can cut through stone, or a gun that shoot bullets into the past, then you tend to say, "Holy cow! I want one of those!"
These are seven weapons that made me do just that. Granted, some of them are a bit silly, and some are a bit over the top, but the main point is that none of them exist ... yet. I've found myself wishing I had one at different times, usually while dealing with extremely annoying things like the line at the DMV, people who talk too loudly on cell phones, or people who like to cut you off on the freeway in Southern California. So, these are some of the items that would be in my own private arsenal. What do you want in yours?
1. Luke Skywalker's lightsaber from Star Wars -- Granted, this is the ultimate, hands down, gotta have it, gimme gimme gimme movie weapon. There cannot possibly be a single soul out there who didn't want one of these. Even my Mom probably watched Star Wars with me when I was a kid and thought, "Hmm, that sure could make some things easier around the house!" It's a sword, which is already every kid's fantasy weapon, and adds the bonus fact of being a laser sword. Come on, nothing can top this sucker. Even like, a hand grenade that is on fire and covered with poisonous asps wouldn't even come close. Now, I chose Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, because he had that awesome blue colored one. Granted, it was originally his dad's, and yadda yadda yadda. You catch my drift, and please don't count Luke's green saber from Return of the Jedi. It helps me pretend that the Ewoks never really happened.
2. Wolverine's claws from X-Men -- Talk about something that would come in handy every day of the week. Got a letter you need to open? *snik* Cold drink that you need opened? *snik* Freshly baked bread need slicing? *snik* Hedge need trimming? *snik* Precious documents need shreddi ... okay, I think you're getting the hang of it. Granted, other movie folks like Edward Scissorhands and Freddy Krueger had knives on their hands, but Wolverine's have two advantages. First, they can retract back up into his body, which makes socialization a tad easier, and second, they can cut through anything. Well, except probably a lightsaber. Now, if the useful arm attachment is the way you're thinking about going as well, be sure and consider the chainsaw-on-the-wrist option. It worked pretty well for Ash, and you might be able to pull it off too.
3. Weirding modules from Dune -- Book vs. film controversy aside (these were added for the film, in the book it exists as "The Weirding Way" which is basically a martial art), this was a pretty awesome weapon. It's basically a sonic thingamajig that you wear on your wrist and it uses your voice to project a sonic beam outwards. However, only certain words will work through the weapon, and the moment where Paul Fremen (Kyle Maclachan) discovers that his new name, Muad'Dib, is an extremely powerful word is both powerful and chilling. Sadly, I don't think "Kevin!" would have the same striking force. Plus, it's a bit weird running around saying your own name, unless you're really ego-centric. But if you can use your voice to blast holes in the too-high privacy fence your neighbors are putting up, then shout whatever works.
4. The Point of View Gun from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- It's been a really, really, really long time since I've read the book of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but as far as I can remember, this gun was created just for the movie. However, I hope NASA or the Pentagon, or some kooky guy in his basement is working on a real-life version of this thing, because it's a great idea. Can't come to terms or agree on something? *Blam!* Now they instantly see everything from your point of view. Actually, a POV bomb would probably be a better idea, so that everyone could see things the same way, but it would come in just as handy. If you're going to put an end to conflict and struggle all over the planet, this is the way to do it.
5. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail -- Talk about a holy weapon. You can't get much holier than this, except perhaps the Ark of the Covenant. Although that thing must be a pain to carry around. The Holy Hand Grenade is much more portable, and comes in its own velvet-line carrying case. How can you not want one? This must be especially useful if you're hunting something like vampires, werewolves, or zombies. In fact, if it comes with a priest who follows you around and not only carries it for you, but also tells you how to use it, then sign me up for five. Er, three.
6. The Glaive from Krull -- Granted, this thing looks like a starfish, but it's pretty handy. It's a five-pointed star that razor sharp blades pop out of, and you can throw it and it will come back to you. Never lose it again! I wish my pens had this ability, because I lose about 100 of them a year. In fact, I'm hoping there are some quick-drying ink pens in my stocking come Christmas. Anyhow, the Glaive could fly around, and if memory serves Colywn could sort of control where it went just by thinking about it. That would be indispensable in so many situations. Like remote turkey carving. Haven't you wanted to slice the Thanksgiving meal from the next room? Well, get yourself a Glaive and you can do it. Just be careful what you're thinking about while you're using it, lest it fly out the window and into your neighbor's stereo during a particularly loud party.
7. The nude bomb from The Nude Bomb -- For once KAOS had things right. In this film, for their ultimate plan to rule the world, they developed the extremely insidious nude bomb: it could destroy only clothing, thus allowing KAOS to become the world's sole supplier of clothing. Sounds like the plot for Austin Powers IV: Closet Royale, right? Don Adams was spoofing James Bond and the world's love affair with the spy genre long before Mike Myers, but this "comeback" movie in 1980 literally was a bomb. This weapon was the best thing to come out of it. In fact, they sort of pay homage to this in Scary Movie IV with the "heat ray" that dissolves clothing, resulting in a *shudder* naked Leslie Nielsen. I would imagine that if this thing exploded, it would be hard to take any of the world's wars seriously anymore. You try being afraid of a naked Kim Jong-il. Actually, maybe that would make you more afraid, but you probably get the point. Nude bomb, FTW!