I'm writing this week's column at the very quiet hour of 5 am. Normally, 5 am is an hour when I am dead to the world, unless my cat decides it's time to play and sinks his claws into my back. However, I have one of those nasty little colds, and can't sleep, and I finally gave up. I discovered that this is a great time to read and write about Hollywood gossip, especially when you're drinking a big cup of cocoa. It doesn't require a huge amount of brainpower, the photos are often cheering and I need not worry that my husband will read over my shoulder and shake his head sadly at the content, like last week. And when I'm done, I can go back to bed, although I hope and pray that the following celebrity news doesn't infiltrate my dreams.
- Oh, Madonna. She's been at the top of the celebrity news heap all week. You try to adopt a poor little underprivileged child, and it's nothing but grief. First the father says he's confused about the adoption, then he supports it outright and wants everyone to leave Madonna alone. I'm not entirely sure why you'd adopt a kid whose father is still living, anyway; that seems like nothing but trouble. Must be an awfully cute little boy.
- I also can't avoid mentioning that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have set a wedding date of November 18. The wedding will take place in Italy, Holmes' dress will be designed by Armani, and I'm sure we'll see dozens of photos, no matter how private they try to be.
- Normally I wouldn't associate Snoop Dogg with film, but I saw Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror last weekend (expect a review next Friday), so I figure he fits in this column just fine. The rapper/film star was arrested this week -- he parked his car in front of the airport too long, and then the airport police allegedly noticed pot and a gun in the car. I think there's a lesson here for all of us: Sometimes it pays to drive that circuit around the airport one more time while waiting for someone in front of baggage claim. Better yet, just park the damn thing in the garage (and hide your stash).
- Ooops! Gossip columnists across the globe messed up. Everyone thought Britney Spears' new little baby was going to be named Sutton Pierce, but it turns out the boy's actual name is Jayden James Federline.
- It was another exciting news week for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. First, Pitt got a lot of attention for his admission that he walks around on-set with a wedgie to entertain his coworkers (which sounds oddly like something my dad would do for laughs). Then the couple hired a helicopter for a ride around western India, and apparently landed at a luxury hotel without permission. Good thing they weren't carrying guns and drugs.
- If you see George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Matt Damon on your TV this week, it's not an Ocean's Thirteen trailer -- it's an ad persuading you to vote in the November elections. Toby Keith is also involved, so you know it's nonpartisan.
- At least as good as a photo: Defamer found a prop from the Farrelly brothers' upcoming The Heartbreak Kid remake: Ben Stiller's head rendered in needlepoint on a pillow. Words cannot express ... go look.
- I saved the photos for last because they're so much fun. A friend pointed me at Go Fug Yourself this week, which is a wonderful source for scary celeb pix. This week's offerings include a sad, sad glimpse of Mary-Kate Olsen, Penelope Cruz looking amazingly unsexy and Kate Moss in a costume that reveals unflattering undergarments.
- More photos from TMZ: Kirstie Alley flipping off a persistent photographer, and Keanu Reeves not looking his best, at all.