Johnny Depp Moves to Remote Deserted Island!

See, this is exactly why shooting two back-to-back Pirates of the Caribbean films was a bad idea. After purchasing an island in the Bahamas back in 2004, Johnny Depp is looking to move his family there full time. While the actor says he'll continue to spend time in France and the U.S., he'd like to make this island their "home base" because it's so peaceful there. I wonder if he'll have them all up in some bizarre tree-house, feeding off the earth and constantly on the look-out for enemy pirate ships? You think I'm joking? The guy has spent so much time dressed up as Captain Jack, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he were to become a real pirate. I just feel bad for the kids -- perhaps they can borrow a few volleyballs from Tom Hanks and make some new friends. "Wilson!"

Baby Suri Given the Silent Treatment!

It's been two months since Katie Holmes has given birth to baby Suri and, still, no one has seen the child. Not their friends. Not the press. Not Mel Gibson. No one! So, why are they hiding her? Where is she? How is she? And here's my favorite -- does she even exist? As the celebrity gossip community tries desperately to understand why Tom Cruise and his wife would not want to subject their newborn baby to hundreds of slobbering paparazzi, the latest news is that, well, this whole thing has to do with Scientology. See, in Scientology terms, a negative experience (paparazzi chasing you) combined with noise (paparazzi screaming at you) can result in an "engram." Yeah, and supposedly an "engram" is not a good thing. God help me if this poor child is being kept in some sound-proof bubble because its father is a paranoid mess and its mother is brainwashed. Where's Dr. Phil?!

Stormbreaker Star Quits School!

Though the film hasn't hit theaters yet, 16-year-old Alex Pettyfer dropped out of school, confident his film Stormbreaker will make him a household name. In the pic, the actor stars as a teenage spy who, apparently, saves the world or something. Speaking at the Stormbreaker premiere in London, Pettyfer says, "When you have already experienced going out and working in the real world, and you come back to school, you just see it as a playground and you don't want to be there any more." Way to be a role model Alex! School sucks! I'll make sure and remember this quote for when the kid shows up on VHI's "Child Actors Who Quit School Because They're Morons" series in about five to ten years from now. However, first we'll need him to complete Hollywood's "graduate studies" program. Rumor has it he's majoring in coke addiction, with a minor in big box office bombs. (And no, I'm not talking about you Lindsay Lohan. You didn't hear me say 'fake bombs', did you?)