Holy crap, I'm live-blogging the red carpet coverage on E! Keep refreshing the page if you want to live...or just want to watch me make fun of Ryan Seacrest, like, a lot.
5:30: Okay, so how long before Isaac Mizrahi attempts to french kiss one of the Brokeback boys just to see if, ya know, he can grab a spot in the sequel?
5:32: Oohh, they have a blimp - I think I just saw Tom Sizemore's crack den!
5:33: Seacrest opens up the red carpet with Alba's Playboy news? Yeah, I can see how that connects to the Academy Awards.
5:35: Okay, when they do the whole 3 circle conversation, it gives me a headache - especially when Mizrahi mentions underwear.
5:37: Does anyone else think Ryan Seacrest's Oscar "lounge" is, well, a little bit Brokeback?
5:43: Seacrest is interviewing John Legend in the Oscar "lounge" and all I want to know is whether or not those people in the background are having real conversations or just going back and forth with stuff like, "Holy crap, I'm on E! right now!"
5:45: Seacrest reads the Oscar menu and they are serving grilled cheese sandwiches. Classy!
5:46: Noah Baumbach and Jennifer Jason Leigh are the coolest couple ever! Mizrahi is officially a doof for thinking understudies are funny.
5:50: Seacrest is back in the "lounge" going over designers. Once again, this has so much to do with the films. However, you can keep up those pics of Scarlett Johansson.
5:54: The topic of conversation has gone to who does and doesn't have extensions. Is this important to a woman? I have no idea.
5:56: Giuliana says people who show up early are tools. I love it. Oh, and take a real close look at Guiliana. Is it me or is it a bit cold out there?
5:58: Hey Ludacris made it to the "lounge". Man, Seacrest has all the VIP's!
6:00: Mizrahi is with Amy Adams and she looks like a zombie. Oohh, and Seacrest wants to wear orange shorts from Hooters.
6:02: Oh, someone help Seacrest with his hip hop language. Ludacris so wants to slap him silly. Hey Lud, I'm with ya man.
6:04: Holy crap, 20 minutes with Ludacris! Are they serious? And aren't they adorable with their random email questions?
6:06: So Ryan Seacrest has a sign up in his lounge and it looks like it says, "Ryan Seacrest's Oscar Poo." I think that's hysterical...and so so true.
6:08: According to Giuliana, everyone loves Jon Stewart because he's not a diva. And according to me, everyone hates Ryan Seacrest because, well, we just hate him.
6:10: Can't type...Naomi Watts...so...beautiful.
6:17: Matt Dillon is with Mizrahi and he's standing as far away as he can. I don't blame him. Oh, and Gary Busey just walked by - glad the rehab clinic let him out for awhile.
6:19: Ken Baker from US Weekly is with Seacrest in the "lounge" and he just yelled out a trivia questions to the extras in the background...as if they're allowed to talk.
6:21: Seacrest admits he wasn't given an Oscar ticket. Oohh, maybe he was voted out.
6:27: Seacrest is really coming on to Tyson Beckford. From the looks of it in this lounge, Seacrest has confirmed that once you go black, you never go back.
6:35: Oohh, Dolly Parton looks pink and, um big. And she's with the w/d of Transamerica.
6:37: Yeah, Keira Knightley looks officially hot. And I love all of these handlers guiding the stars around. She claims they are going to start paying her to keep her clothes on. That's not good. But she does have a nice Vera Wang dress on. I should slap myself for saying that. Shh, don't tell anyone.
6:39: Yay! George Clooney looks snazzy. Miazrahi asks if he wants to win? No, I think he's comfortable just walking around and being hot. Clooney also admits that he will not DO a commentator on the red carpet.
6:43: Michelle Williams is wearing a tangerine easter hat for a dress and Heath Ledger looks like a porn star with that stache. Seacrest claims Ledger will take a break and let Williams bring home the bacon. Um, and then they can name their second child, Big Mistake Ledger
6:45: Why is Keira Knightley yelling at Mizrahi? Her accent should be sexier, right?
6:50: Mizrahi interviews the screenwriter for Good Night, and Good Luck, Grant Heslov, as if he knows anything about screenwriting. "Who formats the computer?" What an ass.
6:52: Damn, Jada Pinkett Smith looks fine. She and Will are standing with the other Will (Ferrell). Ya know, they should do a movie together. Wait, and there's Paul Giamatti and his wife who is wearing a delightful gown from the Goodwill.
6:54: WHOA, Reese Witherspoon wants $29 million a picture!? Are you kidding me?
6:55: Mizrahi thinks Steve Carell will win an Oscar for playing a gay character in Little Miss Sunshine. What about playing a virgin - don't they get love too? Actually, they don't - nevermind. Oh, and someone is lying about not getting calls. Dude, Carell, you've got like 5 movies in pre-production?
6:58: JESSICA ALBA HAS ARRIVED! Nice tat on the neck.
7:03: Okay, who the hell is Ludacris paying for all this Oscar coverage???
7:09: Mizrahi is with Ang Lee and all he can ask him is how he will get his Oscar back to New York? Aww, he called Ang a doll.
7:10: Man, is it me or do Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock appear as if the bus actually did blow up...with them on it?
7:12: Wow, Nick Lachey is paying his publicist $50 grand a month? Heck, I'll take 40 grand and just tell everyone to go to hell.
7:14: Terrence Howard with the sunglasses and gigantic flower looks as if he's going to a funeral. Mizrahi says there's lots of shoulder and booty on the red carpet.
7:15: Jessica Alba speaks! And she's wearing Versace and has an ugly tat when you see it up close. I love how Seacrest flirts with her as if he's actually into girls. And yet they don't say anything about Playboy. Way to do your job Mizrahi and Seacrest.
7:22: Talk about shoulders and booty, Selma Hayak looks fine!
7:23: As Mirzahi continues to interview people, I am convinced he hasn't seen any of these movies. Oh, and William Hurt looks old.
7:25: Bahar Soomekh is the new love of my life. Talk about a younger, and less abused, Terri Hatcher.
7:27: Wow, Felicity Huffman looks she did 1000 sit-ups in the limo on the ride over.
7:29: Here's Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock again. Why do they both look trashed, as if they shared a quickie right before they showed up?
7:30: That about wraps it up folks, we're just about ready for the ceremony. To recap: Mizrahi speaks to people as if he is interviewing a chair. Seacrest is in love with Ludacris. Giuliana was way too cold. Let's do this!