As long as we're expanding our definition of "expert" this Oscar season, I thought we might as well explore the global-political vote. Herewith then, some words of wisdom from Nikolai Blogostroika, a v odka-soaked, Eastern Bloc -bred character I made up to make jokes about Capitalism and Communism.

Nikolai, what are you thinking in the Best Actor race?

Why do the gay cowboys not show a little gaeity? Back in USSR, we have no cows to be gay about. Truman Capote had eccentric way of dress and spoke with lisp. In Russia, we have Dostoevsky; Capote limp milquetoast sh*t in comparison. But Phillip Seymour Hoffman big strong man, very convincing as fruit.

Interesting. What about Best Actress?

Reese Witherspoon has a head, lumpy like a potato. It is quite appetizing. Many nights in Former Soviet Union, I sit up shivering, longing for such a warm "Ring of Fire".

Really? Knowing how you feel about labor struggles, I would have thought you might have gone for Charlize Theron's work in North Country.

In former USSR, I was chemist. I had my pick of many blonde women. I know of their plight. Hollywood insist on making factory life look like dream, with pretty girls. It is not correct. Where are the long meals full of cold tears? I would also like to say something about taxes. Taxes?! You call this "land of free?"  With my paltry pay chained to FICA, I long for breadline. Think about this, America: Freedom. It is just word. but.. means a lot to me.

I know you are an avid reader. What do you think of this year's Best Original Screenplay nominees?

When I was little boy, I go to Kinoplex every Friday. I soon learned that there was only one script for all films made for 70 year period. United States filmmakers so decadent with their freedom to work from many scripts, yet tell same story, over and over and once more again. But I must say that if The Squid and the Whale does not win this prize, it is a show that there is truly no justice in so-called democratic republic.

What do you think about Crash, Nikolai? Do you think it has a chance to beat Brokeback Mountain?

Crash?  Da... I hate everybody not like me.  Sometimes, in heat of confusion, children fated to get shot are saved by coincidences. It's what is called language barrier, nyet? Nikolai identify with Crash, but generally unhappy about resolutions. Up against the love of which I cannot speak, Crash has no chance.

By the way, what about Good Night and Good Luck? You haven't mentioned it, but it's the one film that directly deals with communist issues?

Nikolai did not see.