As you know, the Oscar winners are determined by a highly secret, very scientific process guaranteed to ensure the very best of the nominees in each category will go home with the coveted statue of a naked golden man - and, let's be honest - who doesn't want a naked golden man on their bedside table or mantel? This year, as part of our extensive coverage of the awards show everyone loves to bitch about, we here at Cinematical headquarters are making our own highly scientific Oscar predictions in the top five categories, to assist you in placing bets with your bookies or office betting pools.
A few days ago, James Rocchi gave us his Oscar predictions, based on the Virtual Borgnine (tm), Rocchi's own invention based on the theory that Oscar winners are largely determined by old, rich, white men who have spent their whole lives in show business. Today, straight from the pristine lab located in my kitchen, we bring you Oscar predictions based on the Official Cinematical Pin the Oscar on the Donkey Oscar Prediction Game!
To assist me in the prediction process, I used my five assistants - my four (yup, I said four) younger children, ages 9, 6, 4 and 2, and my husband, Jay (he got to pick Best Picture, so I didn't have to deal with four kids fighting over who got to choose the last winner, but to keep it fair, the kids spun him around no less than 10 times. He's still recovering.) Each assistant was thoroughly blindfolded with an Oscar-worthy purple velveteen blindfold and spun around an appropriate number of times to ensure dizziness and slight nausea, which is pretty much what we feel when watching the Oscars anyhow. For purposes of determining the winner, the nominee that Oscar's head was closest to was judged to be the winner.
Without further ado, the Pin the Oscar on the Donkey Oscar Predictions:
Best Original Screenplay
Although Woody Allen almost snuck in there for Match Point (hidden by Oscar's feet), the predicted winner in the Best Original Screenplay Category, as you can see, is The Squid and the Whale, written by Noah Baumbach. Roger Ebert's fave film Crash gets shut out in the cold. Allen, who probably won't show up anyhow, will insist he didn't really want to win the stupid award, and will get back to work on a new script that has some logical reason for an old guy played by himself to make out with Scarlett Johansson.
No question at all about the Best Director prediction: the two-year-old, clearly being influenced by the Hollywood homosexual agenda and those controversial Brokeback Lego scenes, goes straight to Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. Lee, stopping off at Burger King for a Whopper on his way to an after party, will accidentally leave his Oscar on the urinal, and it will end up as a paperweight in a Burger King employee's bedroom. The Academy, natch, will refuse to issue a replacement.
This was a really tight race between David Straitharn for Good Night, and Good Luck, and Joacquin Phoenix for Walk the Line. The predicted winner, however, based on the irrefutable proof that the fake Oscar statuette is actually touching his sticky note, is Joacquin Phoenix. Heath Ledger, sadly, is out in the cold, without his Old Navy shirt or Jake Gyllenhaal around to warm him up, and Philip Seymour Hoffman is tragically deprived of delivering his Oscar acceptance speech by barking.
Dame Judi Dench nearly snuck in there for playing yet another a ballsy old lady, but our prediction team clearly gives this one to Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (who, apart from Felicity Huffman, is the most deserving of the prize anyhow). On this award, the Donkey agrees with the Virtual Borgnine. Ryan Phillipe, already overshadowed by his successful wife, will drown his sorrows in too many tequila shooters at the after party, and will close out the night by singing along to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire", using his wife's Oscar statuette as a microphone.
Ignoring the much ballyhooed fake showdown between Crash and Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, our team predicts that dark horse Good Night, and Good Luck, will make a surprise move while everyone's busy arguing about racism and homosexuality, and sneak in for a victory. Afterwards, George Clooney will make an endearingly self-deprecating speech about how he didn't think his film would win, and then will head back to his villa in Italy, chuckling darkly with glee.