"Dear Diary: In the mall I pass a clothing store. A colorful T-shirt is on a mannequin in the window. The message on the T-shirt says 'No Fear.' I break through the window with my hands and shred the T-shirt into pieces. I am not being made fun of by this clothing."

Werner Herzog's already-insane life has gotten noticeably more outrageous recently, what with his heroic rescue of Joaquin Phoenix and his subsequent mid-interview shooting. In the interests, then, of making a little sense of the man's existence, The Morning News has rounded up a collection of his personal diary entries.* The excerpts cut right to the director's core, and include musings on such mysteries as crackers, whenever minutes, and the disappearance of spinach. Though the entries make a lot more sense if you're a complete Herzog obsessive who has an understanding of his highly unusual worldview, they're pretty darn fantastic no matter what your relationship is with him.

*They're Herzog's, that is, if you overlook the 'Rosecrans Baldwin' byline. And it's best if you do.