Yay for Valentine's Day! If you're like me, you woke up this morning, threw open the closet and dusted off that crusty old red sweater you save solely for this day. Your day. You shine in your red sweater and, even though most of the people you talk to despise this semi-holiday, you love it...if only because everyone else hates it so much.
There's that one girl who wears all black in an attempt to protest the commercialism of chocolate covered flowers, so you make sure to wish her a happy V-Day a good 20 times throughout the day. That's right, you're the kind of person who sends flowers to your mailman's granddaughter because it's just so sweet. That's you - Captain Valentine!
Now, for those that actually have real dates (ie: human beings) tonight and are thinking about vegging on the couch with a groovy flick in the DVD player, I must warn you that only certain films are acceptable for Valentine's Day viewing. The following are a few movies that, no matter how great the night is going, you must keep far, far away from your Valentine today...
- Boogie Nights - Don't get me wrong, I love Boogie Nights. Great flick! Good times! But, fellas, if you're trying to seduce your Valentine today, then perhaps a movie about a guy with gigantic, er, equipment may not be the best way to warm up the lovin'...if you know what I mean. If anything, use this film for its kick ass soundtrack and just throw a towel over the screen. Well, except for those Rollergirl parts.
- 8MM - Nothing says a romantic night alone with your Valentine like a thriller about snuff films. Sure, you've got Nicolas Cage and Joaquin Phoenix, but c'mon, if you want to eventually wind up in the bedroom then try and make it so your significant other won't fear for their life. Stick to the soft-core stuff for today.
- The War of the Roses - This film is perfect for those married couples seeking some inexpensive therapy. However, if you're happy and you know it, then try to keep away from Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner this Valentine's Day. These two have so much hate for one another, you don't need any of it spilling into your living room and ruining the mood.
- SAW - Although you definitely want nothing to do with SAW today, I'm going to extend this one to include any film that features a serial killer. Everyone loves to play games with their loved one, however you don't want to give the impression that, by the end of the night, body parts may or may not come off. Let's get rid of those clothes without giving up an arm, okay?
- The Last American Virgin - Your Valentine is looking for someone independent and in charge, not desperate and pathetic. While this cult classic definitely has its funny moments, you may not want to give off the impression that this could possibly be the most significant night of your life. Don't be needy.
- Unfaithful - Unless you want to have "a serious talk" without actually having a real "serious talk," then I'd stay far away from a film that has to do with cheating on your spouse. Unfaithful is uncomfortable enough to watch when you're single, imagine trying to impress your Valentine with this flick? Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
- Happiness - You have to be one sick puppy to even attempt to screen this film with your Valentine. Pedophilia coupled with an extremely warped masturbation scene should be enough to convince you that this isn't the most romantic of all movies, though perhaps your partner is just as twisted as you are. If that's the case, then you deserve one another.
Okay, so what did I miss?